May 23, 2017
“The best words for resolving a disagreement are ‘I could be wrong.'” – Brian Tracy
Ah, the havoc we wreak in defense of our egos. Needing to be right is not only the primary impediment to resolving disagreement: it is the primary cause of disagreement.
Without getting terribly philosophical, the beginning of this condition is our belief that we are separate, unique, alone and vulnerable. If this is how we think, then our subconscious is tasked with the job of defending us against all who would make us wrong or harm us in any manner. This leads to what Stephen Covey calls a win/lose negotiation style. If the ego must triumph, then integral to winning is making sure the “other loses.
The cure for this condition is a shift in perspective. With a more global viewpoint, we see ourselves as part of a community of beings doing our best to live happy and productive lives. The desire for peace and harmony becomes more important than being right. We see and appreciate the benefits of all sides compromising so that none feel defeated or disenfranchised.
With this new, more productive perspective, we create less disagreement, easily and quickly resolve disagreements when they do arise and are in a position to learn. Being open to the ideas of others is how we grow. Defending our personal opinions leads to stagnation. To grow or stagnate – our choice to make each day. So, for me, today I choose to grow. I’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
August 24, 2010
Quote of the Week
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.
Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
So, here is the million dollar question: How can you feel optimistic when you just lost 2 escrows and the one remaining is a short sale you’ve been nursing for 8 months? How can you feel confident when nothing seems to be working for you? (I know that was two questions)
The answer is simple. Your level of optimism cannot be contingent upon how well “things are going.” Self-confidence cannot be contingent on whether you are currently successful. Huh? Yes, that is what I meant to say. Allowing your feelings to be contingent on past and present results is my definition of VICTIMHOOD.
You have no control over your feelings when you allow them to be shaped by past or current results. They become like corks bouncing on the waves, controlled by the winds and the currents. Is this how you want to live? Of course not.
So, how do you break the relationship between what you see and what you believe? The same way you master anything—the same way you get to Carnegie Hall—practice, practice, practice. Detach your feelings from current events. Focus on your vision of the future. Visualize yourself as a happy, healthy, successful person and allow that image to mold your feelings. Yes you will feel better, but more than that—your positive, optimistic attitude will attract people into your life who can help you to succeed.
When you radiate self-confidence, others feel confident in your abilities.
August 9, 2008
Quote of the Week
“It’s not what I think that counts, nor is it what you think that counts. It’s what I think you think and what you think I think that really counts.” Denis Waitley
Without communication, we would be as isolated and insulated as a delicate plant in a vast, lonely desert. It is our ability to communicate that allows us to interact, to become a community. Having evolved this amazing facility, doesn’t it make sense that we make the most of it?
Like many things that evolve over eons, we often take communication for granted. We are blessed with the ability to understand the needs of others and assist in fulfilling those needs, but all too often turn a deaf ear as we focus on our own wants and desires. This doesn’t make us horrible people, just people. Protecting our egos is something we learn at a very young age. But like many habits formed in childhood, what works to protect us as children can render us ineffective and dysfunctional as adults.
Fortunately, it is never too late to form productive habits. It starts by noticing when you are thinking instead of listening, focusing on your answer instead of the other’s experience. Once noticed you can begin to short-circuit your old listening patterns and form new, more effective ways to listen.
I think Stephen Covey stated it best: “Seek first to Understand, then to be Understood.”